Alliance for Choice

We were told that our baby had anencephaly at the 12-week scan. It is fatal. No chance of survival. The #midwife said we were ‘lucky’ because sometimes these defects can’t be seen until 20 weeks.

Maybe it’s lucky to know the devastating news before you’ve really allowed yourself to believe that the #pregnancy was real. Maybe it’s lucky to have time to consider your options. Except if you live in Northern Ireland. #nowforNI @DianaJohnsonMP

If you live in Northern Ireland your choices are; 1. Stay #pregnant and endure the long slow torture of feeling your baby grow while you wait for them to die or 2. Become some other country's problem. @Alliance4Choice

Sorry, @duponline, obviously NI and the UK aren’t different countries. NI can’t possibly be allowed to be any different from the rest of the UK #brexit. Unless you are gay & want to get married. Or you are #pregnant, then NI is a different fucking planet @TRPNI @Love_EqualityNI

We just left a sobbing two-year-old. Her little face, tears streaming, staring out of her seat in the back of her Granny’s car nearly broke me before this torturous journey even started.

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She’s still in her pajamas because it’s so early. We had to wake her up to come to the airport with us before going to her Granny’s for the weekend @BELFASTCITY_AIR

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This morning her sleepy begging was too much... "but I want to go too Mummy" Big tears rolled down her tiny perfect little face. I told her I wished I could stay with her, I cried big stupid tears of my own and snuggled her close so she wouldn't see #motherhood #ToddlerLife

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I took a breath, swallowed it all down and in my best excited voice told her all about her weekend at Granny's house. How her cousins would take her to the farm tomorrow and she could go to her friend’s house on Sunday and Mummy and Daddy would be back on Monday #travelling

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Fucking Monday. The first time we've had to leave her and it's for three days to access health care that should be available at home. To give birth to the one that was supposed to make her a big sister. To leave this baby in a strange city and come home. Empty and empty handed.

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We haven't told toddler what's happening. How do you explain to a two-year-old that the tiny baby swimming in mummy's tummy is dying? #BabyLossAwarenessWeek @TFMRIRE

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How do you explain that our country would rather torture us and force us to leave her than allow our doctors to care for us as they want to, without fear of prosecution? @duponline I don't know. @RCObsGyn @MidwivesRCM

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I do know that none of the people responsible for maintaining NI's barbaric laws were there this morning to dry her tears. And none of them care about us. #nowforNI

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Boarding @flybe #HealthcareNotAirfare #RepealThe8th @NowForNI

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I'm so fucking tired. My stomach hurts from holding it in. I want to hide because I'm afraid someone will notice and ask the usual questions... When are you due? Is it your first? Do you know what you're having? I can't handle that #BabyLossAwarenessWeek

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I don’t know how the women who choose to, or are forced to, continue pregnancy knowing the baby will die can handle it. I’m pretty sure daily torture by well-meaning happy people presents a serious and long term risk to your mental health @MrsEtoB @EmmaWatson

I used to live here. We moved home to start a family close to our parents and support network. Now we’re forced to come back and endure this nightmare away from family, friends and support because we moved home to have a family #Ironic #family

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I don't want to be here. @manairport Last time I was in this airport I was 6 months pregnant with the toddler, going to visit friends before my “estimated date of confinement”. @StephenNolan sat across from me on the flight. He snores. @Alliance4Choice #nowforNI #ratherbehome

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Now For NI | The campaign to decriminalise abortion across the UK

I don't want to associate this great city @manairport @ILoveMCR with this torturous journey. I loved living here. I don’t want my happy memories of this place destroyed because of a law that was made before women could vote.

nowforni.uk

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The next sales person who tries to strike up one of those faux friendly conversations... "what brings you here today".. is getting an honest fucking answer. I'm too tired to save other people's feelings with plain lies about visiting friends #RepealThe8th #nowforNI

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I leave himself to deal with the sales pitch at the car hire desk and go to the loo. The little hope that I’ll see blood in my knickers reminds me again why we’re here. As if I could forget. My baby has a fatal abnormality. A condition that is "incompatible with life". #nowforNI

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If there was blood it would mean we could just go home now. If the baby’s heart stopped beating on its own we would be welcome at home. We’d be cared for as grief-stricken parents instead of exiled and tortured for being unfortunate enough to have a baby who’s going to die

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Take action | Now For NI

We could arrange a cremation locally through a funeral directors or the hospital but that would mean coming back again to collect the ashes. We shouldn't have to be here. #nevergoingback #RatherBeHome #nowforNI

nowforni.uk

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I’ve heard stories of people having to buy bags of frozen peas on the way home so that their beloved child doesn’t decompose on the ferry. @duponline #horrorstory #gruesome #nowforNI

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Or we could choose a ‘communal cremation’ where our baby would be cremated with others and the ashes scattered in a remembrance garden and all the babies names would be read out during the service. #BabyLossAwarenessWeek

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We chose the latter. It felt right for us that our little person would be remembered with others. Or maybe we just couldn’t face any more admin, or having to make this journey again, before we allowed ourselves to grieve. #RepealThe8th #nowforNI @SHINEUKCharity

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The midwife explains that we don’t have to pay for parking. We just ask at reception for a ‘flower’ car park pass. They know what it means so we don’t have to explain why we are here. I see himself griping his chair tighter so he doesn’t cry at this thoughtful kindness.

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People being kind and sad and understanding is hard to take. They can see us and how awful this all is in a way that we can't yet because we have to focus on just getting through this. Can't fall apart till we get home. #RatherBeHome

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We have to hang about for 30 minutes and if nothing happens, we can go. Not go home of course, just go and wait. For 48 hours. #RatherBeHome #nowforNI

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Finally, all the necessary boxes have been ticked, bloods checked and forms signed. I am given a pill. I have to swallow it in front of the midwife. I feel like grabbing it and running to the airport but I can’t. #nowforNI #ShouldBeHome

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It’s a slight relief that the process has started. We’re a tiny bit closer to being able to go home. A tiny bit closer to being able to allow ourselves the ‘luxury’ of giving in to our grief. #nowforNI

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While we are waiting we get some food in the hospital canteen. Next to us is a couple holding fertility brochures. Everyone has their struggles. #trustwomen Nothing happens after half an hour so we give ourselves permission to leave.

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Myself and himself have a row on the way to the hotel, over navigation. Standard stuff when you’ve been together for a long time. The normality of it is surreal. #nowforNI

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We check in to the hotel. Thankfully we don’t have to wait for the room to be ready. I realise I’m holding in my stomach again and I’m sweating in my big coat but I don’t want to take it off. In case someone notices my tiny bump. This is bullshit. #RatherBeHome #nowforNI

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The hotel looks grand from the outside but it’s actually pretty shit. In fact, it’s so bad it’s actually funny. Himself and I joke about the fake marble. I’m thankful that we can still be ourselves in the midst of this shit. Even for a few minutes.

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We chose to have a ‘late medical’ termination instead of surgical. Surgical would have meant going under general anaesthetic and waking up no longer pregnant. We would not be able to see or spend time with our baby. That option wasn't right for us.

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The late medical termination happens in two stages. The first you take one pill, then wait 48 hours, then come back to hospital, take four different pills and wait again. Every person’s body is different so there’s no way to know how it will take to pass the pregnancy. #birth

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So, we are waiting. Waiting. Waiting. #nowforNI #ratherBeHome

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Our plan, to spend the 48 hour wait cocooned in the hotel, is out the window. It’s too depressing, the “free WiFi” is free for 20 minutes and the TV doesn’t work. We’re starving, there’s no room service, so we have to go out for food. #RatherBeHome

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We have to wander about this strange city, pretending everything is normal #RatherBeHome #nowforNI

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I found the group @TFMRIRE through a friend. They offer support to families like ours ending #pregnancy for medical reasons. I exchange a few texts with a woman who’s been here herself. Her baby had anencephaly too. It’s both helpful and awful at the same time. #nowforNI #Repeal

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I could have a drink with dinner. I certainly feel like having a skinful. But it tastes awful because I'm still #pregnant. I can’t finish my pizza because I feel sick if I eat too much. Still pregnant. I’m not expecting a baby though.

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We decide to go to the cinema @BlacKkKlansman. We haven’t been out together like this since toddler was born. We hate leaving her. #blackkklansman is excellent . Suddenly and for no reason, a wave of despair and rage and grief hits me and I want out.

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I want to run away and hide so I can wail and sob and let all of this rip out of me. But I'm stuck here 300 miles away from my safe place. At least the cinema is dark so I can weep quietly. #nowforNI @AmnestyNI @All4Choice #ratherbehome

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If we were #home this morning I'd be making pancakes and supervising toddler cracking the eggs. Instead I'm in a strange city, getting breakfast. It's pretty nice tbf. The breakfast I mean. Being tortured by your own country is fucking horrendous #nowforNI @duponline @BelfastLive

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I feel surrounded by tiny babies and pregnant people. I don't need to see this today. I don't want to be that bitter person jealous of other people's healthy babies and happy bumps. I want to be the smiling one. The happy for you one. #NowforNI

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Take action | Now For NI

Forced to be here, away from #home, is making me the bitter one. The angry one. The trying not to scream into her coffee one. #belfast #nowforNI #trustwomen HELP ME

nowforni.uk

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We were told that our baby had anencephaly at the 12-week scan. No chance of survival. Himself said the news was like being hit with a sledgehammer. We decided immediately that ending the pregnancy was the least awful choice. #nowforNI

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But @duponline have created fear in the medical profession. They are threatened with murder charges and prison. So, even though our medical team wanted to help us, they couldn't. Or wouldn't #tfmr @RCObsGyn @bpas1968

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If you live in Northern Ireland your only 'choice' is staying #pregnant and waiting for your baby to die. Dreading feeling kicks. Hiding from the world. Hiding from your own body, to protect yourself from the incomprehensible reality that your child will not survive.

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Or, become some other country's problem. At least we don't have to pay for treatment anymore. Just #travel @Alliance4Choice

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Sorry, @duponline, obviously NI and the UK aren’t different countries. NI can’t possibly be allowed to be any different from the rest of the UK #brexit. Unless you are gay & want to get married or you are #pregnant, then NI is a different fucking planet @TRPNI @Love_EqualityNI

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We’ve spent the day wandering around killing time. We took an open top bus tour. As if we’re here on purpose.

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Dinner was nice, Peruvian food. We’re doing a good job of pretending we’re on a romantic weekend away. Until himself goes to the loo and I’m alone at the table. Suddenly I'm gasping and fighting to keep from sobbing and screaming.

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I stare at a mural on the wall and try to calm down. When toddler was born I used #hypnobirthing. I find myself using the relaxation techniques to get my emotions under control. I should be at home. I shouldn’t have to suffer so publicly. It’s inhumane. #nowforNI

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Toddler had a lovely day today with her cousins. Back at Granny’s now. At bed time she had a screaming meltdown. The novelty has worn off. She wants her Mummy. and Daddy She wants to go home. Same as us really. #RatherBeHome

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Today our baby will be born. We have to be at the hospital at 9am. Thankfully we will have a private room off the main gyne ward. Breakfast is a banana and some watery instant porridge we bought yesterday (shitty hotel has no fridge). Bag packed in case I have to stay overnight.

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At the hospital now. Waiting. Really upset. I just want to be at home. With familiar faces and accents and skyline out the window.

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The lady comes round to see what I'd like for lunch. She says to order soup too cause partners aren't given food anymore. She's really nice and rubs my arm when she sees me crying.

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The nurse that showed us in said she'd get bed pans for the bathroom. That makes me really sad.

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Granny sent a video of toddler this morning. Her sweet voice says hello Mummy, hello Daddy. Then she picks her nose, shows Granny and announces "there's another snot" and wipes it on her chair. She's hilarious. I miss her snotty face. #ToddlerLife @MumsnetTowers #nowforNI

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Still waiting

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The doctor has just come in to place a canula, a thing that pokes into your vein and sits there just in case you need fluids (or presumably blood) urgently. He’s not the gentlest and it hurts.

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By way of conversation he talks about how he’s just been to #Ireland, for a wedding in Donegal. Lovely. Small talk about other people’s happiness. #nowforNI

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He says “Ireland really is so green. Must by why you people all like wearing green so much”. WTF? Is that some casual racism or just social awkwardness? Bit of #hibernophobia at the bedside, all part of the service. Lovely.

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The nurse comes in to ‘administer’ the second medication. This is code for place them up your doot. Vaginal 'administration' reduces side effects apparently.

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The wifi in the hospital is much better than the shitty hotel so we decide to watch a movie on @NetflixUK @melissamccarthy and @IMKristenBell are hilarious. Bet they never thought their movie would help a woman cope with the shittiest day of her life #thankyou #nowforNI #repeal

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We don't have anything for baby. We've been too focused on just getting through this awful journey that we didn't think. Should we have brought a blanket to wrap baby in and then bring home with us? The blanket. We won't be bringing baby #home

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A hat. A hat to shield us from the defect that's taken our baby away from us. #abortionrightsNI #nowforNI

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Feeling a bit crampy now so take paracetamol and a good whack of codine. Normally I avoid taking pain killers. Especially while #breastfeeding and #pregnant. But toddler is 300 miles away and baby doesn’t have a brain so won't be affected by the codine #brutaltruth

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mucus plug and waters just came out in a big rush of blood and fluid into the green bedpan in the toilet. Feeling light cramps but nothing too bad.

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I’m aware that I know what’s happening. I know what a mucus plug is and what that whooshy feeling of water escaping from a burst balloon is. Only because I’ve birthed a baby before. Not because I was actually told what to expect from this process in any detail.

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There’s an undertone to all of this of not trusting women. We’re not trusted to make our own decisions. We’re not trusted to know about our own bodies. We’re not trusted. #trustwomen

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Our baby was born at 14:03

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The nurses talked about "passing the pregnancy". That's just what it was. It passed. No pain, just gently emerged. This tiny perfect body followed by the placenta and some blood and clots. Gently slid away into a green bed pan.

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When the baby emerged, I looked. Still attached by the cord with tiny arms and legs. I looked away. Himself came in. I didn't move because I didn't think he'd want to see and asked him to call the nurses.

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The nurses came in, all ready for action, but I could feel that the placenta hadn’t come out yet. They saw that we were ok so gave us some privacy till we were ready.

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Himself started talking, to distract us, but I asked him to be quiet. I wanted to focus on what was happening. On our little person. On my body. On this moment. Slowly and softly we parted ways.

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The nurses take the bedpan away. They are gone for what seems like forever. Eventually they come back with a tiny blue knitted crib and we get to meet our baby. Our son.

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He is so small. Barely identifiable as a 'he'. His skin is translucent, so we can see every vein and vessel. He is red. His fingers and toes are tiny and perfect. His mouth looks like his Daddy's. He looks almost like he's smiling. #Childofmine

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I'm fascinated by him. How he is perfect aside from one fatal defect. It is so extreme. His eyes bulge, he has no forehead, his skull stops just above his ears and then there is nothing. We name him. We hold him. We take pictures.

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I go to clean myself up and come back to find himself holding our boy and sobbing. I haven’t seen him cry like this since this nightmare began. I’m not even sure he did cry till just now. He had to be strong to get us through this journey that we shouldn't have had to make.

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Eventually we feel ready to say goodbye. I rip a piece of my nightdress. I squeeze out some colostrum #liquidgold, dot it on the cloth and tuck it into his little crib. My only gift, a part of me to keep him company.

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The bereavement team have left a memory box for us. It has a little certificate to acknowledge his birth. A copy of "guess how much I love you" and a card with our baby's tiny hand and footprints in ink.

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They tell us that we can go "home" when the bleeding settles and I feel well enough to go. But we aren't going home are we? #nowforNI

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Back at the shitty hotel. Himself goes out to get us food and I message @BfN_UK #breastfeeding #medication to find out how much codine I can take and safely feed the toddler tomorrow evening #ratherbehome #nowforNI

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The food is good. Vietnamese noodle soup #comfortfood We're both feeling relieved. That this awful part is almost over. We're going home tomorrow. We should not have had to leave in the first place.

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Monday morning and I'm ruining everyone's day with our news. Trying to remember who knew we were expecting and who didn't know. If the long or short version of this shitty story is needed. Thank goodness for what's app because I can't handle the conversations

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Everyone is so shocked, and supportive, angry that we had to travel and generally lovely. It makes me cry. #nowforNI

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Other people can see our situation in its full awfulness and feel it for us. We can only see today, we can only cope with just today. Because we aren’t home yet. We aren’t at home. We should be at home #belfast

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I should be at home. In the privacy of my own home. Instead I’m trying to discretely bleed in a shitty hotel knowing that some low paid worker, probably a woman, is going to have to empty a bin full of bloody sanitary pads. There’s no dignity here. There’s no privacy.

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We have some time before going to the airport so we get food. There's a baby crying at another table. I miss my children. Both of them.

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The drive back to the airport is a relief. I'm so glad we could afford a hire car instead of public transport. At least one small part of this journey is private.

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In the airport. I'm holding it together, mostly. Still hiding under my big coat to some extent and I'm glad I have long hair to hide behind.

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We navigate the airport without delays and board quickly, #thanks @flybe

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The flight home. I feel myself crumbling as we board. When the doors close I can't hold it together any more. Relief to be going home, loss, grief, exhaustion. I shake and sob. Himself holds my hand and the engines down me out.

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My overwhelming thought is that we have left him. We left him alone. I know that we made the right choice but my body is desperate to hold him, to have him with me. If we were treated at #home he'd be with us.

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Eventually I calm down. I read an article about Sally Field in the in-flight magazine for something to focus on. Her story of a life of abusive and controlling relationships is miserable. Now I'm thinking of women at home who can't travel because of abuse & control #nowforNI

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Home. Landed in Belfast. Toddler is at the gate to meet us. She does a little excited dance and I scoop her up. She clings to me. Was she this strong when we left? I am so relieved to be home to hold my precious girl in my arms.

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Home home. Toddler has a nasty cold. She demands milk as soon as I get my coat off. We sit on the sofa, she snuggles up, latches and I can feel her body relax. She's exhausted and falls asleep in minutes. I'm relieved to be home with her, #breastfeeding is a comfort to us both

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